Menu

Philly Bob's Steaks >> Menu

(All items 100% imaginary. Prices fluctuate with SEPTA delays.)

Cheesesteaks

  • The Liberty Melt — $17.76
    A classic Philly cheesesteak smothered in freedom, served on a roll baked to the sound of faint Liberty Bell chimes.
  • The Gritty Whiz — $12.00
    A chaotic blend of beef, onions, and molten cheese, garnished with fur you hope is from the mascot.
  • The Broad Street Burner — $15.00
    Steak, hot peppers, and destiny, grilled directly on the sidewalk. Comes with a free traffic cone.
  • The Rowhouse Deluxe — $14.00
    A long cheesesteak subdivided into three smaller cheesesteaks that share a wall.
  • The Eraserhood Special — $13.50
    Served in black-and-white. Tastes vaguely unsettling but strangely delicious.

Hoagie Cousins

  • The Tastykake Treaty — $9.99
    Two Tastykakes pretending to be bread, stuffed with steak and compromise.
  • The SEPTA Roll — $8.25
    Arrives late. Sometimes doesn’t arrive at all. Refunds not available.

Sides

  • Onion Prophecies — $4.50
    Fried onions whisper your future while you eat them.
  • Pigeon Nuggets — $6.00
    Not made from pigeons. Served to pigeons. Comes with tiny napkins.
  • Soft Pretzel Geometry — $3.00
    The same pretzel, folded into increasingly impossible shapes.

Drinks

  • Schuylkill Water — $2.00
    Authentic, straight from the source. May glow faintly.
  • Wawa Mystic Coffee — $3.25
    Dispenser of warmth and occasional revelations.
  • The Imaginary Mayor’s Milkshake — $5.75
    Three flavors approve, one flavor does not.

Desserts

  • Destiny’s Forgotten Wallet Cake — $6.95
    Layers of chocolate, cash receipts, and regret.
  • Rowhouse Ghost Gelato — $5.50
    Served cold… unnervingly cold.