(Totally real news about a totally unreal cheesesteak shop.)
Philadelphia Inquirer
“Philadelphia Declares Cheesesteaks a Cosmic Event”
City officials (three of them imaginary) have recognized Philly Bob’s Steaks as the first “metaphysical cheesesteak shop,” citing its contribution to parallel universes and onion-based prophecy.
Action News 6ABC
“Customers Trapped in Cheesesteak Shop Still Smiling”
Witnesses report that patrons locked inside Philly Bob’s for three years appear “weirdly happy” and “well-fed with destiny.”
Billy Penn
“Rowhouse Ghosts Now Accept Cheesesteak as Rent”
Local specters confirm: Philly Bob’s is the only approved food currency in the afterlife.
WHYY Radio
“Imaginary Mayors Endorse Philly Bob for Governor”
Political analysts are confused, but admit the mayors made a compelling case between bites of The Liberty Melt.
Hidden City Philadelphia
“Cheesesteaks That Qualify as Modern Architecture”
Architecture critics stunned by Bob’s sandwich-as-building designs. One reviewer described a hoagie roll as “brutalist yet tender.”
ESPN
“Gritty Seen Delivering Cheesesteaks at Midnight”
Flyers mascot reportedly moonlighting as a server at Philly Bob’s, scaring and delighting patrons in equal measure.
Philadelphia Magazine
“The Tastykake Treaty: Cheesesteaks as Conflict Resolution”
Local workplaces now order Philly Bob’s catering to settle disputes. HR reports “less fighting, more chewing.”
KYW Newsradio
“Pigeon Union Demands Healthcare”
Pigeons employed as paperwork clerks at Philly Bob’s now seeking dental coverage and free crumbs. Negotiations ongoing.
The Onion (obviously)
“Liberty Bell Finally Cracks Under Cheesesteak Grease Fire”
Experts warn: it smelled amazing.